Freaking bad day.

Bad things that happen:

1. The freaking SBS bus travels at pathetic speed. i can run faster than that. Before it actually accelerate to a constant speed, it starts to decelerate.

2. I am late. My phone got confiscated.

3. I miss my bloody phone badly. Not that i like this china phone but, i just miss my phone. any kind will do. gotten into the habit of checking on my phone even if there is no msg.

4. That freaking OM have a meeting and could only get my phone back after FOCUS!!!1

5. My dog's limping again. (Previously, she ran away without us cleaning her paws and slip... and hit herself somewhere.

6. SS, chai transferred me to a grp. with the person i would wish to stay away from and sit as far as i can. but then, tolerated it for 1 hr. and asked her to transfer me back.

I decide to hate pink, that particular shade!!!

Cos.. That late form is pink. Actually decide to hate pink, but then still like pink. So i specify, that SHADE!!! Coz... if i really hate pink, i need to change and throw away plenty of clothes and stuff. All in pink. so.. is that shade only lor. any way, that shade sucks!!!

haahahahahaha.

The rate at which i need a phone around me, it's really... i can't believe myself. Like, the empty feeling. ...

Should let them collect my ez-link lor. at most report lost. hahaha.

omg. omg.

school has started!!!

so freaking tired. and slept in the afternoon. omg. and did nothing. hahaha.

urgh. urgh!!!!

hehe.

almost late for the first day of school term. lol. didn't feel stressed up like before whenever i was late. hahahaha. used to being late. and freaking school does nothing.

haven't complete my holiday homework. freaking hell alot lor. wha lao.

what i did this holiday:

1. participate in great singapore sale the extreme way.

2. sleep.

3. slack.

4. read novels.

5. pack my room. ( but it never gets neater)

6. study, abit. ( really tat bit, e.g. bio, cells)

7. play with my dog.

8. gatherings.

omg... omg... school reopens in 2 days. or 1? whatever.

my so-called holiday is more hectic than school.

hahaha.

spent those days shopping. and spent plenty plenty plenty of money. but not mine.

hahahaha.

lol.

brought plenty of books too. thought that i haven't been reading. hahaha. brought 6 in total. lol. freaking cheap like, $20 in total. sceond hand books. well... and... my bookshelf, the new one. can't fit those books. need to stack them. and not let my books stand. lol. hope it don't collapse while my animals walk past.

and brought 2 jacket. hahaha. i am crazy over jackets. lol. i currently own 14 including those new ones. lol. freak. and well, in singapore bloody weather. it's so not practical. hahaha. sweat till i die. lol. but then, i am only good in choosing jackets or vest. lol. and be crazy over them.

....

and girlgirl love playing with my rabbit. lick him and smell him. but then, girlgirl abit too rough. stick her nose in his balls and smell. lol. and he runs away. lol. my dad suggest that i buy a leash for rabbit too. then can bring him out together with girlgirl. hahaha. lame. more likely that the rabbit runs away. the rabbit siao siao one. and anyhow pee. unlike girlgirl who only choose the grass patch if there is. heehee.

ss camp today.

so tired!!! omg... having a hard time to keep myself awake. hahaha. lied on the table most of the time and pretended to write, but then sleeping.

hahahaa. so shitty. hate ss. having it for whole day.

had fun still. at singapore army museum , not the museum suuff. but then just have fun with my friends. crappy and relaxing. but then, after school reopen will be chionging chionging and never ending chionging days. hahaha.

sickos.

i am so... not feeling well. sucks. i hate my throat.

sleep. sleep. going off to sleep. hahaha. waking up early for two consecutive days. fuck. is this how my holidays pass?

i need sleep... sleep.

Bad news and good news.

The bad news:

- My Great grandma passed away in malaysia (maternal side)

Unknown bout the details. but then, she was known to be healthy. just senile and diabetes which is under control, also, can't see well.

- My GirlGirl shaved bald and clean. no hair.

due to fungus infection, as she was not well taken care of by her previous owner as she has too many dogs. she looks like chihuahua or some totally not schnauzer breed

- Tml, ss camp. the so-called camp without staying overnight from 8am-5pm

I will not have enough sleep as i have not adjusted my sleeping hrs, it's adjusted to the holiday mode. 12am- 11pm or 12pm. i will lack of 5 hrs of sleep, as i take damn long to prepare myself and still be late. and also, medicine that makes me drowsy. ha!! and i won't have my nap time from 3-7pm to make up for the amt of sleep i've lost. don't be surprise if i behave like a zombie tml.

- I got flu and sore throat which never recovers.

Sore throat, i heckcare. still got sores on my throat and my voice sucks. and heckcare bout it since it's not painful. flu, which comes and go and never recovers. it got serious when i woke up from my nap just now. can't stop tearing.

The good news:

- My grandma( father side) won my great grandma, the age part. my grandma is still well and alive and healthy.

grandma older than great grandma? ya!!! my family tree weird one la. my dad is 60, my mum is 47? my dad's elder sister (my aunt) is as old as my grandma( mother side). weird right? and age gap between me and my cousins, i am 16 even the youngest is 30+++++ i think. most of my cousins( father side) are old enough to be my parents. guess why.. ( i noe the ans!!!)

- Can see my girlgirl's condition well. and do something bout it.

- ss camp, at least can learn something?

just take it as a chance to adjust my life to study mode and learn things

- I've got flu.

i enjoy being sick. can sleep all day... though it's waste of precious time. 

That's the super unemotional me and logical me.

makes me heartless to list the gd and bad. and reasons. i feel like a robot and unemotional. but i feel great.

like a robot, do what i see and think about nothing else. hahahaha. obviously, being an unemotional person is not a gd thing. life's boring.

two sides of life, the gd and the bad. it's up to you, which side do you want to look at. look at the bright side of bad things, and feel that those bad news are not bad news at all.

two sides of life, to be or not to be emotional. well, for me, i could choose to be emotional or not. to be emotional, care about everything and let things get into the heart. let things in and feel them.. those things will make me either happy or sad. not to be emotional, care about nothing, seems like i care, physical actions, but then the heart feels nothing or do nothing. but then, not feeling anything, life will be boring. no sadness or happiness. but then, you won't feel hurt. Hurt, or not be hurt. to live boringly, or happily.

Before:

After:

  

 

 

Looks like a totally diff dog. sobs...sobss... so sad!!!! omg. my tears start flowing!!! omg. my cute cute girlgirl become like that!!!! wahhhh!!! wah!!! just let me cry!!! wahhhh!!! waaaahh!!!!

wha lao!!! i really cry lor!!! she become so ugly!!!!

a lady, came to take her away this morning. sobsss. sobss. and girlgirl is reluctant to let her carry and hug my mum tightly... omg.. so sad. so sad. and when the lady come that time, Girlgirl bark like mad and refuse to go with her... so sad.. so sad. it's hard to live without a dog after getting used to it. it's like no point going home, to face the lifeless 4 walls? when girlgirl is gone, i hate going home. to go home without my my girlgirl to greet me and hug me. so sad.... so sad... i knew how it's like, when she got hospitalised last time, to go back home without girlgirl around.

and then, girlgirl came back home... hairless. botak. botak!!! bald. guang guang!!! and that dog that came into my house don't look like girgirl. like some shit form mars. can see that she was afraid. afraid at that grooming place. girlgirl is afraid, to mingle with strangers, let alone to a place with all strangers. and that she hate the person who groomed her, the lady. the lady sent her back and then, barked at the lady when i hugged girlgirl. lol. girlgirl is a piece of shit. why? coz, she is timid. only dared to bark when she has a backing. hahaha. everytime!!! act like she very powerful and then, bark bark bark. while she hide behind us. 

here to blog abt my SO-CALLED wonderful and so gooooood phone!!!

Say hi to my wonderful phone:( should say bye, dunnoe how i will survive with it for long

 

take note of the phone name. "sucky HP" haha. it's name

the pop-out that make it look like a digital camera

take note of the brand too, 'vaic'!!! sony is VAIO this is the cheapskate VAIC!!!

crappy phone. china phone... no offence to china people, but then, this is really a china phone. lousy one!! shitty and crappy.

like shit!!! dunnoe what to say... it's just lousy!!!

IPHONE!!! IPHONE!!! hope it comes to me soon....

 

Merlion. whateva. i think myself as a gd photographer. lol. but then, the truth in NOT!!! hahahaha. expired photo.

 

she gives that pathetic face.

 

eat like siao. she loves eating plain porridge.

yummy..

 

she will look up and take picture one leh.so cute rite? so cute!!!

 

she look pathetic wearing that thing

lol. heehe. she is going to shave botak on tues. hahahahaha. her skin suck!!!

and jia ying came over to study. yesterday. lol. she called and i was like "huh? huh? i still sleeping... huh? orh.."

at first i reject then i called her again hahahaa. and studied chem!!!

"come... come... i need yr blood!!!"

'chemistry!!!!"

lol. then i went orchard!!! and ended my shopping till all shop closes. lol. and shopping with my mum abit sucky. she always blur blur one. then ask her things, very hard to get attention one lor. omg. and she abit siao yesterday. asked me to buy heels!!! omg. she usually ban.. but then.. she just ask me to buy heels!!! siao one rite? lol. but then... i couldn't get the white heels i want.... sobz. sobz. sobz. that is like so nice and comfy. sobs. she brought up the idea of going vivo. to look up for that heels. lol. she is really mad. mad..

got new phone!!!

ok... but i donnoe what's the model and brand. just some cheapo china phone with lots and lots of uses

-can watch tv everywhere. (places with reception, got antenna also.)

-games, duh..

-touch screen, but then dunnoe why still add keypad.

-camera. eh, not like usual phone camera. got the lens thing that pop out like usual digital cam.

i like the part, can watch tv. heehee. lol. but then... haiz... dunnoe what to say... like, too china? that kind of high class cheapo phone. high class? cheapo? whatever. whateva.

shitty. also not i choose one. dad got it free from his company. lol. but then... my cousin who works with my dad.. say, my dad may get an iphone 3G when it's out in singapore. but then... don't trust him. definitely choose iphone over this phone. i swear. but then, it's whether my dad got it from his company anot.

shitty. wha lao... i don't even noe how to lock this phone and freaking unsatisfied with it. fuck phone. show you pics when i find pic or take pics of it. it's crappy. 

Fuck

Fuck

Fuck

just enjoiy saying fuck. hahahaha. lol. holidays are boring!!! with that stupid sun, hate he weather.

homework. stupid chemistry. got 5 sets of exam paper. and fuck next week can't much. got school and all that stuff. lol. sucky holiday. don't feel like taking o level. sucky. get headaches. urgh!!!

and sucky me have to force myself to study in order not to feel guilty. feeling crappy!!!!

urgh!!!! screeeammmmmm!!!!!

if i don't study, i feel guilty. but then, if i study, i have headache. then how huh? wtf.

urgh!!!! fucking weather. i hate myself a and everything else

ewww.

studied bio today, yesterday and last week. but then, i am still pacing around the first chapter which is like so basic and useless. how many marks can it get me? 1?

no idea why am i blogging hahaha. lol.

got to know from my mum that my house and relatives used to be close. everyone was so united and gathering for majong sessions. relative was visiting each other so often. i used to be taken care of by my grandmother, the only person that would stop me from crying when i was young. even those cousins which seems to be so distant actually used to be close.

my chinese name was picked by my cousin. she is like so freaking old, 40++? and she can easily bluff herself as 25 and people will surely believe. used to play with her son and others. catching and running around, sparkles and candies.

my english name was picked by my aunt.

yah, my names not picked by my parents. heehee. but maybe that was the most my relative could do for me in this life time. maybe it is...

ha..

ha..

family gatherings does cheer me up. i love the crowd. to fit in the tiny 3 room flat with so many close ones. the warmth, like everyone was someone i could lean on and cry, or that everyone was someone who could give me a lift in life. but everything was just so short-lived, eat and shit and everybody leaves.

i do envy my cousins. they grew up closely together, when my grandma could still cook and everybody goes her hse every friday. those adults play majong. the kids play and run about. those family gatherings everyweek. how i wish it could still continue. never have a chance to feel how is it like, to have close cousins around, growing up together. but then... i was born when everything has just ended.

my grandma... loved her. she is 90+++, so frail. each time i visit her, her voice goes softer. worried that she would leave me. breaking the peace i am in.

and for friday... last friday. they got to vivo to make a bear for amanda's birthday:)

munana. her name is Yammuna. hahahaha. but munana sounds nicer. hhee.

Machine to fluff up the bear!!

 

Bear got dressing room. so gd rite. hop i have one too. omg.

 

Turtle shell on his head. pathetic.

dresses for the bear. so cute rite? omg.

Handbag and sunglasses for bears? hee.

bikini for bears. jiaying wish to buy one for her dog. lol. but dogs has so many many nipples. hahaha

shoes.

urm... ya, jia ying also wished to buy this. imagine, the dog whole body with the husk, coz got so many nipples to cover.

  went to amanda's party last saturday!!! woo... at coldrock, ICE CREAM CAFE. gonna put on weight. duh. ice-cream leh. so soooo fattening.

present for the b'day girl!!!

the 2 cat woman. beware of claws.

Carol the pathetic

Jaclynn the farmer:) lol. but jumpers cute wat.

@ Coldrock

 

Nic in my heels. Not clear, but damn funny when he walk.

 

Bastard yuqi, spolit our pic lor. our chio face, then pops a stupid yuqi.

 

monstrous 3. Carol, alvin and me. 

 

The emo me.. but look more like i got stuck.

 

amanda!!! yeah.. make tons of wishes

 

wow, CAKEFIGHT!!! eh, behave in public places la. lol. like i did.

me, carol and yammuna the hair model. her hair more than 1 meters  long le.

 

our constipated face.

hahahaha. freaking happy during the party. and something happier before the party, I SCOLDED SOMEONE!!!so happy bout it. but have no idea why.

so disappointed.

wish that i won't be able to wake up forever. i woke up this morning... so disappointed. the start of a new day. to keep up with the pretence, to be positive, to be happy, to be the ME that i could never be.

wouldn't it be good if i sleep and sleep and never be able to wake up? wouldn't it be good? to be always in the dark world. to be there.. forever, and never see the sun. i knew i wouldn't miss the sun. i knew so well. i would be happier staying in the dark. the vacuum, nothing is there, no gases, no living, nothing.. just nothing. no problems. won't know anything, wouldn't be worried. JUSＴNOTHING.

Nothing...

the empty. how i wish to go there, the empty space with nothing but darkness. won't have to worry about studies, people, myself, my life, money, love, and what to eat next. won't have to worry about anything. just let me go to the world with nothing in it.

my parents seriously don't understand me.

they don't know that i could resist temptations since young. they don't know.

they don't know that my stomach have to take light stuff and not those greasy. oily stuff. oh pls. those oily stuff gives me indigestion and gastric. and then, they want me to take those stuff early in the morning. and they tried to temp me using duck drumstick .i won't fall for that. ha!!

obviously, who am i? since young, i am able to watch them eat chicken rice and i have instant noodle. i am a person who sacrifice food for everything. almost everything.

they don't know that their daughter have gastric and that she can't take heavy meals these days. they just don't know. they claim they understand me. if they really understood, they would know.

they do not know their daughter is sad. crying. despite that she is face to face with them and they still do not know that their daughter is crying. they just adds on to the stress she is feeling now. how sad.

they talk to me in the manner, so loud so disrespectful. when i have not said a word for the day, they just shout so loud at me.. suppose that i talk to them in a rude manner, it not.. why early in morning they just speak so loudly to me? huh?

they don't respect me. they think that kids should respect parents. not the other way round. but then, it's both. parents and kids should respect each other.

respect the fact that i have something important to say to my friend and not come into the room without knocking the door. huh? they just came in.. i lock the door and they scold me. but then, their fault rite? they are the cause. i am the effect of them. why am i this way. 

i am sad.

really sad. some truth that i can't take it. too much for me.

how sad can i get? till i pop those pills and kill myself. i want no one to leave me. i want myself to be happy, but sometimes, things just go the way i want it to be.

i want to be vet or be in the pet's trade. i want to have a good and happy relationship that people would admire. i want someone to take care of me. i want to move out of my house. i want my brain's to be as smart as einstein's. i want to be a supermodel. i want to be a celebrity. i want a rich boyfriend. i want to be free of troubles. i want to lead a peaceful life. i want to be happy. i don't friends to leave me one by one. i don't want to live in this world

but then.. life don't go my way.

i can never make to a 10 pointer to joint that course. i am ugly and single and nobody wants. i have no one to take care of me 24/7. i am unable to move out of my house. i am born stupid. i am fat short and ugly. i am broke, poor and pathetic with no talent. i have no boyfriend. i have so much worries and troubles. i do not have a peaceful life, i have too many obstacles. i am sad. my friends leave me one by one. i am born to live in this world.

people are never who they want to be. well... people reading this will say, 'stupid jaclynn, if you always want to be someone you want to be you will never be happy. just accept the fact, and live a happy life.'

but then, the truth could not be accepted so easily.

it's not easy. it's really not easy.

would be a life threatening thing if people leave me again, i will kill myself. simply had enough of people leaving me. just hate it. people leaving me, can't see them anymore. have to miss them. and i hate the feeling of missing people. i hate it.

did not go for remedial today!!! lol. yeah!!

but lame shit i slept through till like 11am which is when the remedial ends. zzz.

took my medicine 2 instead of 1. Normally 1 will send me to super deep slept, and 2 just sent me to super-super deep sleep and can't even sit up when i woke up. and then, slept.... like nobodies's business.

hahaaha.

koizora..

watched and read it.

reading the story is better than the movie. so much better.. the movie cuts off lots of parts of the book which is like some of the touching scenes or events. lameshit one.

i cried lor... so terribly, while reading the book. it's true story, and unlike those soap stories, most of the events and stuff and very unexpected like our own life. but i hate the graduation part, it's like... we are gonna go through the same thing very soon too.

currently in the very emo mood.

hate being alone at times. hate it.. hate cooling down, settling down.

when i am busy or playing netball, i don't think of those things, those that upsets me. those that set me to the emo mood, those that makes me wanna cry.

hate it.. being busy makes me stop thinking about those things. those, that i hate. those...

just those things. how do i put it?

am i alone? am ? yes... most of the time. even when eveyone's at home, i still feel alone.. no one talks to me, and i talk to no one. hahaahahaha.

my parents thinks that being TOGETHER as a family means physically together. they never knew... that their daughter is away despite physically home. they never knew.

and that, most mums knew their daughter well. very well, she thinks that she knows me, but she doesn't... the fact is that no one knows me.

when i tell things, like every daughter would... about school, guys i like. she listens but don't understand. she would blame me when i am in an argument with my friend, when that friend is wrong. so wrong, that people use their butt sense would also know that it her fault. but then she would blame it on me. she would blame it on me, that i have bad temper, that i can't accommodate. i knew i have. but then, obviously it's that person's fault, she still try her stupid reasons that it's my fault. this happens everytime. i hate talking to her. about those stuff. and never will i tell her again.

when i feel so upset, feel so bad, feel so angry. just want to let my steam, but then, all she does is to blame me. made me more upset. i want to speak and reason, she cuts me off. never have the chance to explain. NEVER. she just carries on. they never heard me.

i like that variety show, laugh along to funny times, watch movies and cried. she just thinks of me as childish and crying in front of something not real. well... she never cry. only once in my life i saw her cry. she cry once every ten years means i have to do the same thing too? huh? huh? i want to express myself as and when i like. and now, hate watch sob sob movies with her. with her around, i can't cry. she scolds. have to suppress my tears when i watch. wat's the point? watch and make myself uncomfortable. huh? ahahaha. trying to suppress those tears is uncomfortable, so shitty feeling. haha.

towards family members, i should be able to express myself as and when my self make myself comfortable around them. but why? why? why do i have to supress those tears when with them. they make a big hoo-ha about me crying. and i never cried in front of them.

ha.

and they sure do not know how money means to me. maybe my dad kinda understand now, that i only looks for him when i need money. ha!

he think that taking away my money would stop me from going. no.. when i go out, i could be able to not spend a single cent. so.. what's the point? he thinks that taking away my saving is alright, perhaps as an punishment. but no.. if he really takes... i would really kill myself. really... anyone who touches my money who eventually be the murderer. fuck him. money is so bloody important to me. ha!!! i save and save, just to make myself feel safe. no idea why, but having money around me makes me feel safe. ha.. even if i knew i would not spend money, i will still bring plenty of money. i will feel safe.

that hurts me.. they think that they can take the money as and when they want. ha.. no..no... no way man.. they think have given me those money, they can take back. but don't they just get it? huh? even so.. they have given me money for lunch, but i often sacrifice lunch to save, or eat plain porridge. it's the process of saving. it's not the money, the sweat and pain for me to save. they just don't get it. that's why those money are important to me.

omg... today is the day when we get to go home early!!! yeah... lol.

crap, but not making use of my time well.

fuck those bitches.

those bitches, the more i am closer to them, the more i know them, the more i understand them, the more i HATE them.

really... really sucky people around me... i no longer trust who i used to trust, no longer.

i use the word BETRAY...

fuck that bitch. who the hell... i won't tell.

who could i trust.. almost no one. i trust yee lin, could tell her everything, but she is not here. she is not by my side.

who are the people i could trust? who?

even though that is not a big thing, but still... that almost jeopardize my relationship with someone. and hey... even something minor said, that could jeopardise people's relationship.. and it's never minor anymore. and fuck those bitches.

how i wish to punch their face each time i see them.

the more i know a person, the more i hate him. each time, you know more about a person, you know more about his goods and bads. hahahaha. yes. but some, their bads could be accepted. Some, i could never tolerate it. Because, the good in them could never make up for the bad in them.

fuck those idiots

yes.... that big phrase i need to emphasise.

hahahahahaha.

can't even keep those things that should not be said. eh, common sense la. DUH, never use yr brain meh? huh? huh? as part of tanglin secondary school, we are all literature students, must be good in common sense. 

no one's gd.

urgh.. wasted my weekend. always and without fail.

i hate myself.

can do revision, study and wateva. but i waste it. unknowingly.

always. ALWAYS!!!

just wake up at 12pm, ate breakfast.

then, pack up my room.

then eat lunch. at 3 pm.

took 3 hrs to pack my room. duh. so messy. and i packed my memories, my baobei stuff.

my letters, old diary, photos, presents from friends, everything...

hahahaha. read all my letters and diaries. well, reading my past.

i miss my friends. all of them.

our outings, our dates, our movies, our dinner, our small talks. every thing. all... who is there to save me?

save me from sinking... sinking into my memories...

i am unhappy now... obviously.. i laugh, but never feel it. the real happiness thing.

when i'm happy in the past, my heart feels light. so much lighter than how i feel now everyday. what's that stone? that stone in me? that stone which made me feel so unhappy. it's too heavy for me and trying to support it, prevent it from sinking further. It's tedious.

i am tired. tired of everything. i care less bout people now. used to cry whenever people cry, used to feel angry when people provokes me over little things, used to be so emotional that i cried every night for that incident and the old HIM. but now i just don't...

ignore people when they are angry, ignore them if they cry, ignore them if they are fucked up. just let people do what they want, let them cry, let them kill themselves... that's their business, not mine.

i cry lesser now. have no idea why. but then, that doesn't mean anything. how i feel when i am laughing is ten times worst than how i feel when i cry. i laugh along with the others, but the heart doesn't follow and be happy.

---------------------------------------------------------------

there's school. school. from 8am-5pm.

but what do they know? those teachers... they only know how to create the timetable. they work for those few hours. but we, have many many teachers.

and as a student, i just study aimlessly. just study, and sleep, eat, shit. each day past so fast.

my life is like a F1 racer car. but without brakes, and heading to a dead end. if i turn, i hit a tree and die. if i continue, i will die too, and crash onto dead end.