currently in the very emo mood.

hate being alone at times. hate it.. hate cooling down, settling down.

when i am busy or playing netball, i don't think of those things, those that upsets me. those that set me to the emo mood, those that makes me wanna cry.

hate it.. being busy makes me stop thinking about those things. those, that i hate. those...

just those things. how do i put it?

am i alone? am ? yes... most of the time. even when eveyone's at home, i still feel alone.. no one talks to me, and i talk to no one. hahaahahaha.

my parents thinks that being TOGETHER as a family means physically together. they never knew... that their daughter is away despite physically home. they never knew.

and that, most mums knew their daughter well. very well, she thinks that she knows me, but she doesn't... the fact is that no one knows me.

when i tell things, like every daughter would... about school, guys i like. she listens but don't understand. she would blame me when i am in an argument with my friend, when that friend is wrong. so wrong, that people use their butt sense would also know that it her fault. but then she would blame it on me. she would blame it on me, that i have bad temper, that i can't accommodate. i knew i have. but then, obviously it's that person's fault, she still try her stupid reasons that it's my fault. this happens everytime. i hate talking to her. about those stuff. and never will i tell her again.

when i feel so upset, feel so bad, feel so angry. just want to let my steam, but then, all she does is to blame me. made me more upset. i want to speak and reason, she cuts me off. never have the chance to explain. NEVER. she just carries on. they never heard me.

i like that variety show, laugh along to funny times, watch movies and cried. she just thinks of me as childish and crying in front of something not real. well... she never cry. only once in my life i saw her cry. she cry once every ten years means i have to do the same thing too? huh? huh? i want to express myself as and when i like. and now, hate watch sob sob movies with her. with her around, i can't cry. she scolds. have to suppress my tears when i watch. wat's the point? watch and make myself uncomfortable. huh? ahahaha. trying to suppress those tears is uncomfortable, so shitty feeling. haha.

towards family members, i should be able to express myself as and when my self make myself comfortable around them. but why? why? why do i have to supress those tears when with them. they make a big hoo-ha about me crying. and i never cried in front of them.

ha.

and they sure do not know how money means to me. maybe my dad kinda understand now, that i only looks for him when i need money. ha!

he think that taking away my money would stop me from going. no.. when i go out, i could be able to not spend a single cent. so.. what's the point? he thinks that taking away my saving is alright, perhaps as an punishment. but no.. if he really takes... i would really kill myself. really... anyone who touches my money who eventually be the murderer. fuck him. money is so bloody important to me. ha!!! i save and save, just to make myself feel safe. no idea why, but having money around me makes me feel safe. ha.. even if i knew i would not spend money, i will still bring plenty of money. i will feel safe.

that hurts me.. they think that they can take the money as and when they want. ha.. no..no... no way man.. they think have given me those money, they can take back. but don't they just get it? huh? even so.. they have given me money for lunch, but i often sacrifice lunch to save, or eat plain porridge. it's the process of saving. it's not the money, the sweat and pain for me to save. they just don't get it. that's why those money are important to me.