i am becoming a freak. lol.
the result of taking too much subjects when i can't. i used to buy music, plenty. i used to be very emotional, very.. but now... i am left with nothing. nothing!!!
just study, sleep and play. have nothing to care about, not nothing... just that i don't care if i should actually care.
URGH!!!!
8-5 life isn't for me. it makes time past so fast that i am simply clueless what has happened these days.
and one week of remedial has past!!! yeah. and have to go for my dental check up tml. omg. can't wait for my doc to clean those retainers. yikes. badly stained by some chinese medicines. eww.
hahahaha.
and wow. tired, super tired. played netball. the usual people. hahahaha. i so proud of myself today leh. omg. my shots went in. lol. kinda stupid but hey,a person who rarely shoots and even if shoot the ball will not go in one. then suddenly, got so many many goals. obviously happy la. hehee. lol.
but fuck... so tired. i hate myself. get so hyper and never be able to stay still. but, once i stay still, my butt will never leave the chair, bed, floor, toilet seat.
My holidays sucks. well.. i am quite prepare for it, it still sucks.
sit there for like so long, butt pain lor. 3hrs straight. siao. one subject. siao one.
and i freaking gained 3 inches horizontally, just because i was too happy for 1 week. ! pathetic weak. pls lor, i was like losing those fats during exam period, and after exam... enjoy life and gain weight. well... well...
stupid. and i hate myself. go for liposuction asap.
people try to coax, say that lipo is bad. when is goes awry, the blood mixes with the fats or some sorts of stuff. but still, lipo is my dream.
eh, i rather die ugly on the operation table, than to live ugly.
that's part of my life. i have enough of not being able to fit into clothes nicely for most of my life. who cares about being fat? i just want to fit into clothes nicely. but then being fat does not enable me to fit into clothes nicely, so i care about being fat...
hahahahaha
and my life is so boring. so... soo... boring. asked to write about events(special) spent with family and relatives. well.. nothing much other than those routine. like praying ancestors, CNY, granny's b'day. i only to get to meet them those days. woah... woah... is this still called as relatives? relatives, just related by the same surname and that our parents came out from the same person's vagina/womb. and knew nothing about each other other than those facts and figures about each other.
and worse, family. my dad never wants to go out. like go out as a family to fairs, shopping centre, explore singapore and stuff like that. lame rite? and all this years without my uncle from my mother's side, i will never been able to visit cool places. never knew how east coast park really looked like. and yes.. how the sea looked like until i was in p3? singapore is so small, everywhere is sea and yet i never knew how it looked like till i was so old. he was never stingy with us, offered to pay for meals when we go out together. usually with his family, my mum and i. i appreciated that. loved that. but then, things changed. i am never able to communicate with them, never played this few years. never exchanged words anymore.
for how long i have not been cycling with them. racing. and speeding against cars by the road whether we could travel as fast as those cars. hahahaha. those happy times that will never come back to life again, they are just good for nothing memories. remember them, just because i am selfish, making use of them. going out, laughing, joking, games...
well.. maybe i've grown up, they've grown. we tend to think differently.
and my dad don't like to bring me out. he just likes to go out alone. to his fishing khaki, drink and talk about crappy stuff. he never brings us out and yet doesn't like us to go out. who does he think he is? trap us by his side, my mum is an adult he has no right to show discontentment when she goes out. and when we go out with my uncle, he is so bloody unhappy. since he does not want to take the job of having family day, then someone else will do it for him. isn't it rite? he has no right to show discontentment when we go out with him then!!!
when my uncle comes to visit us, like fetching my grandma and CNY. that bloody idiot gives that stupid face. stupid fucking face. to them... to them, they have brought his wife and daughter out and spent so much money on them. yet, he is giving that fucking attitude to show that he don't like. when mum thinks that we should repay or stuff like that, she invites them for lunch. and he was unhappy about this too. hey, our treat to them is to repay and thank them. why does he have to give attitude? and what's worse? mum fork out her own money. not a single cent is his. why is he unhappy? shouldn't he be thankful?
he just have that thought, we love them more then him. just being jealous. but what right does he have to feel that way? can't he think? can't he? he should think that even we love them more than him is what he deserves. he don't bring us out. he is just plain selfish, want us to company him, stay at home, company him when he has beer at cheapskate beer at hawker. and all those drunk old fucking dirty old man ogles at fat people like me.
eh.. those old man stoop so low to look at fat and ugly. and those old saggy breast of an 55++ yr old beer promoter.
fuck.
and what? my mum was super over suspicious last night. she is just racist la... an indian guy, as told by her was ogling. and try to get close. but then, from what i see, she is crazy and racist. see only. what has i got to lose? i don't believe guys outside has not seen half of my breast before. let alone that indian guy. let them see for all they want. what have i got to show? i have pathetic figure, pathetic breast. hahahaha.
i've got nothing to show, nothing to hide and nothing to lose. as long those old men's fucking dirty and wrinkly penis don't get in to my vagina. i heckcare.
and my butt got touched by people zillion times, deliberate or accidental. i have no idea.just think that i lost nothing. so i don't care.
my hamsters. cool rite?
my cages. not so stupid to do that, i stack them up using shelve.
my bitch checking the male rabbit out
" Baby? Are you free to go on a date tonight? Are you? Please... Please..(whines), come on.."
" Girlgirl? Are you crazy? My penis is far too small for you.. Oh wait, do you even have a vagina for me to fuck?(girlgirl is sterile) and what will our kids turn out to be? rabdog? dobit?"
i know it's not funny at all.
Girlgirl: " Nice pose huh?"
She loves peeping our neighbour's golden retriever. Male one leh.
Sleeping on the cold hard floor. She likes to make people feel that her owner bullies her. But then, too bad. The owner has proves. Just scroll up, she has a bed.
Tries her best to act smart and pretend to study when her paws can't hold even the pen.
like she just took drugs. lol. Wonder where she got her supplies.. A patrol dog as a boyfriend?
The best evidence, she stole my winnie-the-pooh carpet.
And stole my bed.
Lame enough? hahahahaha.
Mammoth, eskimos, polar bear, salmon? Ohh.. freezing. lol.
There's chinese remedial for us today. heehee. and shucks, for like 3 hrs lor. shit. then talk talk talk with jess, carol and gina. heehee.
Went home and mum actually cooked my favourite penang laksa. so nice.. wonderful.. my house got that smell, reminds me of malaysia each time she cooks peneng laksa. so nice...
Blogging time!!!
Wed 21/5/08
cycled with yuduan. and jia ying walked with my dog. my bitch.
hahahahaha. and i realised something, coke is nicest after sports.
Today 22/5/08
school day. school day. tml will be last day of the term, and then... the last term, will be like 4 weeks after. where got time? siao. siao.
chills crawling. no, it's everywhere.
panicked for chemistry practical exam. siao one. i really need to cry bout. it. fuck. it's like the real exam and i cannot do it rite and get the experiment rite. pouring again and again. i need to kill myself, stupid mistakes ended up up faking the points. fuck!!!
tml is parent's meeting session... fuck
pls lor this kind of stupid grade still want to meet. and worse still my parents never understands me, and i don't wish that they do too. my dad obviously don't understand me, he is stupid. the only thing in life i admire about him is that he got a taxi driver license before he got retrenched, just in case. that the only thing. ONLY!!!
he thinks that his daughter is involved in gang and that his daughter hangs out with people who smokes and have sex in public. and he thinks that i am one of them. pls lor, even the most ah beng ahlian friends are like the guai-est of the guai-est, ah lian. fuck. and he don't trust his own daughter. what have i done wrong? what? what huh? well, maybe losing virginity at age 12 will not gain a father's trust. but, i am pure innocent lamb virgin. hahahahaahahahaha. he think that i play alot, but does he even know what i am doing? he doesn't.
my mum thinks that he knew everything about me, but then... no. i dont' talk to him, don't wish to see him. fuck. he is mad one. like he reach home at 11++ and then wish to take a look at his daughter, open her door when she's sound asleep. and say, ' just want to see you wat!!!!' but pls i don't wish to see him... he is away for a week or more but i dont' even miss him, instead, i love the absence. i love it!!!
i will talk to him. when i need his atm card. when i need money. when i beg for extra pet.
he thinks that going home late is bad. siao. what could i do? have sex from 8-12 midnight? or go drinking. as if i could enter with my stupid looks. he don't allow me to drink outside. but then he always wish to smuggle me into those above 18 and 21 places. like casino or pub. siao. and buy me drinks.
fucking idiot
hahahahahaha. he thinks that a dog is better than me. well, my dog is. my dog waits for owner to come home then hug. i don't even touch him. just don't feel like. family day, he thinks that i love my family, but no.. i care about myself. how to be independent asap. and break away. i will take degree elsewhere hopefully. and live a happy life there. married and never to come back. i don't find the need of parents, other than the financial part.
my mum thinks he is over sensitive. kinda hate him at time(my mum). a person who is to live with him voluntarily doesn't really like him. let alone someone who is forced to by genetics.
Fuck
calling early in the morning talked to my mum. and flaunt how well her PRECIOUS daughter has done well for exams. well.. flaunt all you can, how well yr daughter has done for her exams. do you have to call early in the morning? do you? DO YOU?!?!? oh pls, my mum haven't even knew abt me getting back my results. and that idiot just called in and spoilt my day. my wonderful vesak day holiday. freaking asshole. freak!!!
talk about everything under the sun but do you have to flaunt your daughter's result? huh? do you? don't make me scream. then my mum comes to me during breakfast.
'eh, how was yr exam? score very lousy rite? huh?'
fuck!!!
dad adds in ' play lor, all you know is to play. play!!!'
WTF
mum: ' sms all day rite?'
WTFH
Freaking hell!!! i sms, just to ask and help people about exam stuff. pls lor.. my msg counter is like pathetic 157 since mths ago... pls... plsss.
oh the freaking hell!!!!
yah... then told her my results lor.. then i haolian my chem. :) only subject that i made improvement in. then she say
'never get A huh?'
What the freaking fucking hell.
omg
improvement good enough liao still want A? fuck.
she just know how to scold, blame and give crap like dad. but then, have they ever knew how i ever felt?
i haven't gotten an A for anything, i am sad.
i failed 3 subjects. one of it which i loved.
i feel sad. clear enough? clear?
I DECLARE!!! I FEEL SAD!!!
i am still freaking upset about not being able to get into the veterinary technology course.
....
that's like part of my life: pets:)
and the only thing i am gd in in life. i can't play the piano, can't do ballet, can't play instruments. can't handle computers or technology. not good in academic. i am only good with pets. that's my fate? to only be able to take care of pets as a interest, passion. but not be able to take it as a career?
the job opportunities... sell or whatever with pet feeds and pet equipments. oh pls... i can tell you what are each accessories are for hamster and rabbit. and dogs... i am currently moving on and try to be good in it. i just got my dog what!!! or work with AVA... or get degree.. be vet.
wtf... wtf. ..
this is my life!!! and the choice for me is to go MI.. i think so, can't find the cut off point. and waste 3 years lor. i can't go JC. waste a year in MI. i can't go poly for vet course. waste extra 2 years in university. coz.. poly give me the exemption in uni for up to 2 years. haahahahahaha.
and will be freaking old when i completed all my studies. plus... the grooming courses i would like to take when i completes all my studies. hahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahaha.
gd luck to myself. but i don't think this plan would work. the university part. my parents got so rich meh? scholarship, is not for me.
i am unsurprisingly not studying.
and i emo-ed. sort of.
hysterically cried, shouted, screamed, whined.
VERYLOUDLY.
i got like very demoralizing grades. typing this... ok, emo mood is back. pls lor. pls...
how bad could i get? not a single 'A' not one. B4 and below. well only one B4 and i failed 3 subjects. freaking hell!!!
gd reason to cry.. no idea why. i usually don't cry.. but, just cried today. i cried because of my results. urm.. yes. i don't want to be like this,i don't want to feel stupid.
and shocking discovery!!! the course i like: veterinary technology. the course's opportunities in future, is so.. my type. YES!!! i want this course!! and the exemption of up to 2 years when getting a degree.
BUT!!! the admission to termasek poly is only by DPA. oh, GREAT!! now i really know what is the regret like... not having being involved in a CCA. my one and only course that i really really like. and my studies... don't wish to talk about it... the cut off point is 10 for that course for goodness sake. omg.
now is the time for me to regret and cry. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!
wtf!!! URGH!!! my knuckles will hurt again!! punching the freaking pillow. no use, still end up hitting the wall, pillow too soft.
i shall go and bang myself against the wall...
alternate choices
choice 2 is out. since i am ugly and nobody wants. live my life with choice 1 and live a boring and stupid. just be very sadistic with life.
blog blog blog
i am mugging. lol. but most likely is 三分钟热度 always that way. and end up being good in certain subject or chapters. i need to DO WELL!!!
If only someone will know,
If only i could actually realize what is it.
Things won't be going the way they are going.
I wouldn't feel that way,
Or that someone will comfort me.
My four days of SHOPPING CRAZE ends!!!
sobs.. sobs
so sad.
spent like lots and lots of money.
but... i cleared most my things in the list. instead of heels i brought pumps. clutch, i can't and didn't look for one.
well... AT LEAST I GOT 4TH VOLUME OF MY FAVPOURITE BOOK!!!!
love. love.
and well, i slept like a log last night. duh. 4 days, go out everyday and reach home only at night. well...
and took a nap just now, still slept like a log. dreamt of me playing netball with weird people around. i am already so tired. and still ran like mad in dreams. hahahahaha.
EXAMS ARE OFFICIALLY OVER!!!
YES!!!!!
officially, but not mentally!! the real one's O levels.
slack slack
Brought pink pumps from tangs at vivo. lol. it's cute!!! and jia ying commented that she will call me DOROTHY if i wear that. lol. she say it's doll-like. lol. but people like me wearing it will make it bitch like or freak-like. lol.
heehee.
i hate caring for people it's stressful.. i am tired:(
there's nothing like a happy ending in world. there isn't. life is never peaceful. never.
only if the world is made up with nothing but bare and plain. then there will be peace? we live, eat and shit. for what? wha't the purpose of existence. to study? to learn things? no. you study and learn. but when you die, you end up with nothing. nothing, yr body is useless. and we die. and we cease to exist.
shopping craze!!! i am so looking for it!!!
but life's upset for me. i hate worrying about those things, graduation, finding a job, having a second dog. i hate gradution, hope that we could press the A-B repeat button on the remote. and our hectic life continues and repeat and never end. never wish that day to arrive. NEVER!!!
well, i am a loner. i prefer to go out for shopping craze alone, prefer to eat alone, prefer to live alone, prefer to sleep alone, prefer to study alone, prefer to be ALONE!!! yes.. being alone is so... gd. i need not to worry about people, need not to take care of them, need not to worry what i've said has hurt someone. but the society is created this way, we have to rely on teachers to teach us, rely on bosses to give us jobs, no one can survive alone.
i love my friends. duh. duh. if you don't like then, why friends. duh!!! siao. emo, hysterical and many many sorts of feelings.
super bored....
bored..
exams!!! two more papers that i care to knock down!!! yeah!!! yes!!! yes!!! then shopping, makeup and drink. my dad doesn't care if i drink, as long that there is no important stuff the next day. when i drink outside, he just say, get caught never mind. lol. then he warn me, don't drink wif yr friends outside hor!!! get caught not my prob. lol. freaking dad.
exams will be over soon!!! yes. what did i heard? "OVER!!!" and some serious mugging will be back after my shopping craze. as if it would end. lol. lol.
and bio. BIOLOGY!!! siao... cramming all that stuff into my head. cram!!! cram!!! cram!!! information overload!!!
shopping craze. i love you!!! here i come!!! here i come!!!
list...
Ah long pte ltd song. nice lor.
it's kinda cute? or wat? just another stupid song which i like.
EXAMS EXAMS EXAMS
tearing all my hair out. and mugging. not really. just slack my way through. enjoy before doomsday(getting back results). my mum simply hates me and think that i am lousy. Why?
She ask:'Admath 考到怎样? fail 的啦!!!'
omg what kind of freaking mother is this? but really lor. i lost 50 marks. -50 from 80. there goes my movie and nachos. lol. like i even care. siao!!!
8 more freaking papers to go. not exactly, 5 for me. coz the 3 i don't care. heehee.
i am blogging. yes. blogging. OMG!!! BLOGGING!!!
wasting time again. heehee. but bored what. i get to sleep so easily but find to hard to wake up. yes. coz i am too lazy. just off the alarm and sleep back. heehee. this time surely get last in class. duh. always lor. still overlap to other classes. heehee. i suck at studying.
and well.... die lor. will L1R4 of 21. well... where the hell do i go? not poly, not jc. hell. yes. or some rich guy's wife waiting to be served. heehee
ending post with a very handsome guy's pic. hyun bin.
why i like him? coz he got dimples.
exams. hate it, love it.
i hate it: exams., study,study. and cramming everything in. and people mugging. burying their heads.
i love it: after it, it's holiday. relaxation. and more relaxation. movies. and girl's day/night out.
walking seems to be one coping mechanism or a way to release everything before i reach home. release all the emotions, feeling. so that i am cool headed, and not thinking bout those stuff when i reach home. and also, to prevent myself from crying. yes, it prevents me from crying. but i hate it. i hate looking like someone strong. it hurts, that kind of feeling: when you wished that you could cry, but the tap is not on. the water(tears/feeling) remains in it. nauseous, but nth came out.